Humor of the Week
A guy dies and is sent to hell. He's met by Satan who explains the rules:
"We have three different areas where you can choose to spend eternity."
Satan takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals.
The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"
Satan then takes him to the second room and warns him that there was only one other choice.
The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava.
Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."
Finally, Satan brings him to the third and last room.
Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee.
the guy says. "I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."
Satan then announces, "OK, Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"
Montana Dumb Laws
You Know Your in Montana When
MONTANA DIARYAug. 12 : Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.
Oct. 14 : Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.
Nov. 11 : Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2 : It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!
Dec. 12 : It is below zero and got more snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 : Still below zero and more snow last night. The car won't start and I couldn't get out of the driveway even if it did. I am freezing and exhausted from shoveling. Darn snowplow anyway.
Dec. 21 : More of that white shit fell last night. I got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. JERK!! I walked to town and purchased an engine tank heater for the car. I've now got frost bite on my ears!
Dec. 25 : Merry Friggen Christmas! More friggen snow and it 20 below zero!! If I ever get my hands on the sucker who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll hurt him. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the stupid ice.
Dec. 27 : More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the damn snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?? Installed the engine tank heater in the car. Maybe tomorrow I can get it warm enough to start!
Dec. 28 : The idiot weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the JERK came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that friggen white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his head.
Jan. 4 : Finally got the car to start and got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3 : Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the heap of junk is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??
May 10 : Moved back to Colorado. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that state of Montana!!!!
MONTANA VERSION OF
IN THE BATHROOM
How to tell if a Catholic is driving too
Jewish Olympic Swimmer
Church can be hilarious!
The Woodpecker Might have to go!
May your troubles be
may your blessings be more,
and may nothing but happiness come through your door!
Three men were sitting together bragging
about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa
and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home
to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Illinois.
He had given his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Montana.
He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye,
enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.