Humor of the Week

 

Week of June 9, 2008

 

A guy dies and is sent to hell.  He's met by Satan who explains the rules:

"We have three different areas where you can choose to spend eternity."

Satan takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals.

The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"

Satan then takes him to the second room and warns him that there was only one other choice.

The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava.

Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."

Finally, Satan brings him to the third and last room.

Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee.

the guy says. "I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."

Satan then announces, "OK, Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"

 

Week of March 24, 2008

 

 

Montana Dumb Laws

  • It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

  • It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

  • Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.

  • In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

  • It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

  • Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.

  • Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.

  • Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

  • Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.

  • Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

 

 

You Know Your in Montana When

  • You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.

  • You installed your new computer using a Leatherman , tool.

  • You can see the stars at night.

  • People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.

  • Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans that aren't too dirty.

  • The 4 seasons consist of Winter, June, July and August

  • You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and construction.

  • Every vehicle you see has an engine block heater cord hanging out the grill.

  • Winterizing your car means you place a piece of old cardboard in front of the radiator grill so you can get some heat in the car

  • At 15 years old, you drive yourself to your drivers education class.

  • You only know four spices - salt, pepper, Ranch dressings and ketchup.

  • You think the start of Elk season is a national holiday.

  • You hear North Dakota jokes.

  • Soda is called pop and you laugh at those who call it soda.

 

Week of November 15, 2007

 

MONTANA DIARY

Aug. 12 : Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here.  The mountains are so majestic.  Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 : Montana is the most beautiful place on earth.  The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer.  They are so graceful.  Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth.  This must be paradise!  I love it here.

Nov. 11 : Deer season will start soon.  I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 : It snowed last night.  Woke up to find everything blanketed with white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight, I won.  Than the snowplow came by.  We had to shovel the driveway again.  What a beautiful place!  I love Montana!!

Dec. 12 : It is below zero and got more snow last night.  I love it.  The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway.  I love it here.

Dec. 19 : Still below zero and more snow last night.  The car won't start and I couldn't get out of the driveway even if it did.  I am freezing and exhausted from shoveling.  Darn snowplow anyway.

Dec. 21 : More of that white shit fell last night. I got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow.  I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. JERK!!  I walked to town and purchased an engine tank heater for the car.  I've now got frost bite on my ears!

Dec. 25 : Merry Friggen Christmas!  More friggen snow and it 20 below zero!!  If I ever get my hands on the sucker who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll hurt him.  Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the stupid ice.

Dec. 27 : More of the white shit last night.  Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the damn snowplow goes by.  Can't go anywhere.  Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit.  The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight.  Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??  Installed the engine tank heater in the car.  Maybe tomorrow I can get it warm enough to start!

Dec. 28 : The idiot weatherman was wrong.  We got 34" of that white shit this time.  At this rate it won't melt before summer.  The snowplow got stuck down the road and the JERK came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel.  I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that friggen white shit he had pushed into the driveway.  I broke the seventh one over his head.

Jan. 4 : Finally got the car to start and got out of the house today.  Went to the store to get groceries.  On the way back, a deer ran in front of the car and I hit it.  About $3,000 damage to the car.  Those beasts should all be killed.  Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 : Took the car to the garage in town.  Would you believe, the heap of junk is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 : Moved back to Colorado.  Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that state of Montana!!!!

 

Week of November 1, 2007

 

MONTANA VERSION OF "SURVIVOR"
Contestants must travel from Billings through Bozeman, Butte, Helena, Great Falls and back to Billings through Sheridan and Virginia City.  They must drive a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, an abortion doctor, and I'm here to take your guns."

First one to make the round-trip safely is the winner!
 

 

 

IN THE BATHROOM
In the bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska and they taught us to be sanitary."

The lawyer finished,  zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented,  "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, I'm from Montana and was taught not to piss on my fingers.
 

 

Week of October 8, 2007

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

 

Jewish Olympic Swimmer

 

 

 

 

 

Church can be hilarious!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Woodpecker Might have to go! 


  

May your troubles be  less,
may your blessings be more,  
and may nothing but  happiness
come through your  door!
 
 

 

Week of May 28, 2007

 

Three men were sitting together bragging

about how they had given their new wives duties.

 

The first man had married a Woman from Iowa

and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home

 to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 

The second man had married a woman from Illinois.

He had given his wife orders that she was to

do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results,

but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean,

the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man had married a girl from Montana.

He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,

but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down

and he could see a little out of his left eye,

enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.