Welcome to my Family Website

published by H. Jay Funk

Questions or Comments email to jay@usfunks.net




Make me Laugh


Old Farmer's Advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life...
Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that
comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.


A guy dies and is sent to hell.

He's met by Satan who explains the rules: "We have three different areas where you can choose to spend eternity." Satan takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"  Satan then takes him to the second room and warns him that there was only one other choice.  The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either." Finally, Satan brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee.  The guy says. "I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one." Satan then announces, "OK, Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"

Only great
can read this


This is weird, but interesting!


fi yuo cna raed
tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.


i cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr
in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the
frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and
you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!





Three men were sitting together bragging

about how they had given their new wives duties.


The first man had married a Woman from Iowa

and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home

 to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from Illinois.

He had given his wife orders that she was to

do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results,

but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean,

the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a girl from Montana.

He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,

but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down

and he could see a little out of his left eye,

enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

SGT Eddie Jeffers

"Hope Rides Alone"


Confessions for the Holidays

written by Ben Stein and recited by him

on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.


News Flash!

US Soldiers caught red handed

Positive Proof of Abuse by Our Troops in Iraq


The Star Spangled Banner

as you've never heard it